So I pass another day here in Branishor, hiding out and straying no futher than Kathryan's glance. I've taken to spending time in Elwin the scribes office; I rather like the smell of old parchment, the feeling of well organized antiquity there. I may have accidently knocked over a few ink pots, but at least Elwin wasn't too upset. I don't think the papers were that important, anyhow...

I feel almost guilty, hiding out here from everyone. I've been trying to stay away mostly because...well, I almost don't even want to write it down, because I know someone shall read it. And I hate for my foolish escapades to be revealed for all and sundry-especially when its something I probably could have avoided! And I especially hate to worry people. Namely, Elly-she has alot to deal with as being a leader anyway. And Lucy has still been healing from her injury. And I hate looking like a dangerprone clumsy fighter!

But all of it just had to begin at that mining camp. I had been trying to save up enough for my new armor, and at last decided it wasn't worth it. I'd save the plat and hope I leveled quickly enough to get the next one, since my current armor isn't in bad shape at all. And I was tired of going to the same places over and over again-and I admit, curious to see what was left at the abandoned camp. Which, I must say, was not much. And gremlin looters still abounded, despite the lack of any worthwhile items to loot! So while I was exploring around, quickly dispatching the foolish gremlins who thought me easy prey, I failed to notice the mine shaft.

All of a sudden, there was no earth beneath my feet. Everything solid became fluid and my breath for a moment or two was suspended as though I had left it behind, at that faint glowing circle that was quickly diminishing above me. The smooth descent lasted only a second; I was knocked into the walls, colliding on rocky juts. My armor held fairly well...though I must say the leather does little to shield the body from such blows. I was fine until my left arm suddenly slammed into a ledge and I heard a pop, and a snap. It helped slow my fall when I finally hit the bottom, but I was instantly sick and in pain. I turned my head and saw my left shoulder slumped forward awkwardly, and my collarbone on that side was disturbingly lumped. It took me awhile before I could gather myself, and stand up. Nothing else was hurt, that I could tell..but I could barely think beyond that point. I sent a message, to Dain, even though somewhere in my mind I knew he wouldn't be able to come and help me.

I looked up and say no way to climb back out. I tried to walk west, though the effort drained me, and still found no way. So I began my way east, the only way else I could see. Though I quickly became shrouded in darkness. I was able to see, barely-and I think thats the only way I was able to survive. Otherwise, I think the granite minions would have killed me. I couldn't use my left duelmaster and left it sheathed as I sobbed and hacked my way through the tunnel, not even knowing it was the right way. I don't remember much else...it sort of grays out, until I realize I'm half slumped at the entrance to the mines and Dain is there, gently but frantically saying my name as he reaches out to touch my arm. My left arm. And I screamed, but he said that my shoulder was out of place, and it looked like my collarbone was broken. So he stood behind me, and quickly pulled my shoulder back in and I thought I would die of the pain then and there. The next thing I knew we were stumbling through Branishor and his brown eyes were looking at me anxiously as Kathryan tutted and prodded at my arm. The pain was dull but great...sharp lances as she pushed the bones back in alignment every now and then. Finally she was wrapping my arm up and Dain was then practically carrying me away, to watch over me. I remember seeing Jack....maybe? And the first nite and day after are a blur to my mind-weird smelling salves and strange flavored teas.

But know I'm wandering around...content to let myself heal. The shoulder is still sore but moveable. I have a wrap around my chest and back-some sort of hardened linen and hide-and its supposed to help keep the collarbone in place. But I wear my cloak tightly now, so that no one can tell. I told Dain I didn't want him to say anything-I'd be reclusive and heal out here. So far, so good....now if only I wasn't chaffing at my lack of freedom.

Another moment of insanity inspired by my insipid and confusing mind...

I've felt restless and thoughtful lately. I thought, if I kept training and just made it to my next level, I would be just fine. That the building tension would fade from my shoulders, that concentrating on each move as it flowed from my mind to my arms would drive away the curious little thoughts that burrow deeply. Instead, it just made me tired. And more restless! And even though it was nice to sit and bask within the warmth of the desert, it isn't my place, so to speak. I know, its nice and warm and I hate being cold (even though I am, often). But, it doesn't let me reach down and pull out the answers I was seeking.



So I went to an old place. A place of thoughts, where I'd come with doubts before. A place where someone...a someone whose loss still brings an old ache into my chest...placed her arms around my shoulders and told me it would be alright. Where, despite the cold and the wind, I had felt comforted and soothed by her words and solid unwavering strength. And I stood there...closing my eyes and smiling in memory as I cast my fears over the edge of the precipice. I imagined her strength, right there beside me-because, in truth it was there. It had never left. She may have gone, but with her memory stayed a shard of her resolve. A gift, perhaps...or, a last joke from her. She always said I was stronger than I looked. Maybe, its only now I can begin to believe it...

What brought up these old thoughts, the need to feel an old comfort...? I can't really say. Perhaps a last vistage of guilt, of finding somewhere else to belong and new family. Perhaps a moment where I saw someone smile and lend a hand to help a grubby child up to their feet. Or maybe it was for no reason at all, really, except that we sometimes crave a hug, a bulwalk to lean against. And at the moment, I wanted a hug from someone who wasn't there.

I faced the edge and looked down the maw of the beast...only to see it shimmer and change into my own image. And I waved my hand to wipe clean the slate...

I've been sleeping far too much lately. More than I really think I ought to, at least. I want to spend time with my family, with my cleric, but I stay awake for barely a couple marcs and the next thing I know its early the next morn. And everyone is asleep...


Why is it that responsibilites begin to mound just when you thought you could enjoy some free time? I am begining to think that someone or something has cursed me now, to let me awaken only when all my family and friends are asleep. And, to let me sleep right past their chatter during the day. Spending time with family and loved ones is important...so, is it too terribly irresponsible to lay some of the responsibilities aside until later?!!? Because, I have seriously been considering it lately...and the idea sounds more and more appealing as the days fly by!

My trip failed. Least Pallas thought to grab some stuff for the lute strings while he was training.


I don't really feel like writing much else.

Much as I crave my clerics company, and the solace of my family, I've been looking for a chance to step out and get a bit of air to myself. Pallas's idea for my lute seemed just like a perfect chance.

Kylden, he is going to work on the wood of my lute hopefully...I'm praying that it isn't too hard for him! Not to mention, that it isn't too much work. I can't believe he is going to help me finally get a lute back...its almost unbelievable. But, lute strings cannot be made of wood, of course. Elly had suggested centaur tail hairs...but I'm afraid they'd be too fragile, and definately not of the correct resonance. And, I knew what most strings were made of, it just seemed so..disgusting! But, cats gut it is, and the plains cats are too small I believe. It was Pallas who suggested a cougar, from the granite crags. So, I decided my path.

The harder part, was in trying to explain it to Dain. I don't really want to leave, not truly...and yet a piece of me needs that freedom. This trip, its the perfect chance to let me think, unhindered. And, I'll accomplish something that I've wanted for a long time, right? As they say...two zombie crows with one dull crystal.

I cannot of course strike the cougar; it would swallow me in one bite!! Albeit, a very pointy bite I'd be, with two duelmasters...but, anyway, I'm bringing a warrior friend of mine, she's agreed to help me in getting the cougar. All I have to do, is track the beastie. Its kind of...exciting, and yet I still worry of leaving everyone behind for now. I hope alls well when I come back, and I hope Lucy will be back as well. I shan't be gone too long...

It has been awhile since I've truly gone and celebrated anything, out in public. Even just after the Light Ceremony, I only stopped by, exultant at our victory, but too tired to stay and chat at the Inn. But it was nice, to have a little celebration to go to. Nice, to see and talk to old friends and acquantences once again.

I saw Sephoroth...he's not much changed, from past run in's we've had. I thought Ermin was supposed to be at the Ball; hadn't she been designing a gown? But she never showed, and I think Seph was really disappointed. Evidently, he hasn't even gotten to see her, since she returned. Just a few written notes, and thats all. I wonder, where is she...? I thought she loved him so much...and he seems like something is missing, when he doesn't have her. He is hard to talk to, and often quiet...

I taught Dain how to dance, and I must say that he does his new title justice. A Lord, once again!! To think I would end up with a cleric, and a Lordly cleric, no less! How entirely...unlike anything I've known. Unlike anything I thought my story could gather along the way. But I've ceased arguing with fate. I will no longer fight, I'm going to be happy-because happiness has been thrown at me, and I won't let it slip away. But, back to the ball...eventually, after dancing and drinks, it became a bit too wild, and I slipped out with Dain, to let my senses recover from the madness!

We were going to head to the Hammers hall, but evidently...its almost all closed up. So instead we went to the Amazons guildhall, to rest and talk awhile. I don't mind going to old places where I once took refuge, but I still yearn for our own home. When will we find a place to build? We have plans, we have points...we merely lack a place to begin building. And I can't wait til I have a physical home, to match the one now created by the family and loved ones I have.

I had a bout of guilt yesterday. And yes, I write like that as though it was an illness, because it really almost is one. Guilt is enough to bring a person to their knees.

The sad thing is, it was because of such silly and trivial things. Dain and Elly were just talking about being clerics, and how they just naturally want to help. And I just was thinking, a bit shocked at the thought myself, that I don't like to reach out and help. Sure, if someone came up to me and asked me to open the sewer or the door to midnite I'd oblige if I had the time. But I don't reach out to initiates; I let them fend for themselves, or let others take care of them. Which, is kind of bad really, cause I try to be a mentor. And the more I just thought about it, the more I realized I'm not this inately good person. I mean, from what I'd done in the past, and the way I grew up, the ideas were still a part of me-self preservation, and self serving. That would be me, described perfectly.

But, that bothered me. So I said something, and then Elly and Dain and even Pallas had to come up, and convince me that there was nothing wrong with that. Elly talked about her past, and how she wanted to be the opposite of what her father was, how the thought of sharing his blood made her almost crazy. She said something like, its not what we did then, but what we use our talents for now. Pallas convinced me that, no matter what, I was a rogue now. And that we did do things to help, not to harm innocents. That rogue and thief aren't the same, not here. I couldn't ever be other than a rogue, but I had been doubting if I was doing this job justice, or if I was merely something bad, just pretending.

And even though I know I'm not really bad...I know I'm not inherantly good either. But maybe that isn't so bad-maybe I can be a little of both worlds. Like light and dark. I might stand beneath sunrifter, but I still cast my own dark little shadows. And I'm always going to be that way.

And Dain, even though he heard all of this, and heard me rant and rave, well I don't think he cared. I tried to tell him, he's such a good cleric, and sure a...pure person, how could he want me with all the stains I carried on my soul? But...he just held me, and said that I was the person I was today, for all those things I did good and bad. And he liked me just as I was. I was glad for that, but still a bit nervous that he wouldn't always feel so...but we decided to race, to blow off some of the energy that was making us anxious.

It was just around the desert, but guess what? Me being mrs. bad luck, I tripped and that bloody cleric won. Hmph, not fair, I know. So, as his prize he took me up onto the plateau so we could play in the snow. And, it was so very lovely...I can remember standing up there, when I used to feel down, and let the snow take me away to other places...but this time, it was full of snowballs and silliness, and I think he knew thats just what I needed.So heres to future days of shadows and light.

I thought I had faced some hardships in my life. But the hardest thing, despite Balthazars raids, and the fear of that demon, was watching Dain lay before me with that blood across his chest, his moans barely reaching my ears.

We were standing there, in the Wall just outside the door to the Wastelands as he finished up a Red Guardian, and I heard the criers call. After seeing the hunk of metal fall to the floor, I flew through the Wastelands with hardly a thought; the bears do not bother me much anymore. I waited for the glow of Branishor and steeled myself to face the gremlins for the first time.

Most of the areas were already littered with corpses, but I found a few with fight in them and cautiously took them down. I did my rounds around the town one last time, and stopped to catch my breath and let Dain know everything was alright.

I was sorely beaten, but a cleric was kind enough to heal me. And as I gave him my thanks...who strolls up, panting, but Dain. Beaten, and pale and shaky, standing there. For a second, there was only shock...fury followed quickly. He'd gone through the Wastelands?! He was in no shape, he wasn't strong enough. So I took him to a nearby guildhall to see how bad he was.
And it wasn't until we stopped, and pulled his armor off, that I saw it...the bloody robe, torn...and he was holding his side, and breathing so erratically that I felt like my own heart was contracting. That red, red blood oozing up fitfully...and I knew the shape of those scratches, they mirrored the ones on my face. But it was so red...I felt myself turning faint, and turned away to find bandages for him. At least two ribs were broken, and he was so distraught he couldn't heal the gashes. So I nerved myself...and took care of him.

I had salves aplenty, so I cleaned the wound best as I could and spread that around to stop the bleeding. I had to bind his chest as well; I thought I'd kill him, or puncture a lung if one of the ribs was too broken, if I pulled just too hard. Its not often I've had to take care of anothers injuries-I'm only a rogue! I don't deal with such things! But I couldn't bear to see him, trying to look so brave, trying to blow it all off, and yet still so obviously in pain. And so I was surprised at my own strength, to take care of him. I would never have done otherwise though-what can I say, I love him. Seeing him in pain, makes me in pain. And now I realize, that must be how he feels all the times he has to heal me.

I will definately be more careful now-after seeing him, a wreck before me, I never want him to have to feel how I felt ever again. I love him far too much.

He would probably be upset if he read, but just after he left to comfort another soul-having reassured himself that I was doing fine-I had to bring this out, and write. Well, as much as I can...for once, I think my handwriting may not be exactly legible!

But things are still a swirl in my head...I hadn't been feeling good (which of course wasn't helped by the fact that I feel asleep by the frozen icy lake. big mistake there). I'd put it off to the amount of work I'd done, the training against those demons and serpents of the fissure, but it was coming to the point I couldn't blame it on that anymore. I'm hoping that the delerious fever that I had (according to Dain) was the worst. Though my hands shake at the effort of this, at least I'm not seeing things...long gone and far away now.

I'd wondered at what would have happened, had he decided not to visit me. I had thought, would I have lain here, growing slowly delirious until I was unable to call for anyone to help me? Would I have been able to recover, without his voice...bringing me back to sanity? But then I stretched my hands across his chest, and then I felt his heart beat; it was as erractic and frantic as my own as I tried to regain my senses, and its beat was perfectly in sync. I knew...he would have come, no matter what. He would have known.